Ukázka z MP's Meaning of Life, part VII - Dead

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[Lots of good sound effects, too: howling wind, howling dogs, howling sabre-toothed field
mice. Suddenly we see the Grim Reaper. He is hooded, in a black cloak with a sackcloth jock-strap, and bearing...
a scythe.]
[He materializes outside a lowly cottage and strikes the door with his scythe. Geoffrey, who is Marketing Director
of Uro-Pacific Ltd, opens the door. From inside the house comes the sound of a dinner party.]

Geoffrey: Yes?

[Pause. The Reaper breathes death-rattlingly.]

Is it about the hedge?

[More breathing.]

Look, I'm awfully sorry but...

Grim Reaper: I am the Grim Reaper.

Geoffrey: I am Death.

Geoffrey: Yes well, the thing is, we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...

[Geoffrey's wife, Angela is coming to see who is at the
door. She calls:]

Angela: Who is it, darling?

Geoffrey: It's a Mr Death or something... he's come about the
reaping... [To Reaper.] I don't think we need any at the
moment.

Angela: [appearing] Hallo. Well don't leave him hanging around
outside darling, ask him in.

Geoffrey: Darling, I don't think it's quite the moment...

Angela: Do come in, come along in, come and have a drink, do. Come
on...

[She returns to her guests.]

It's one of the little men from the village... Do come in,
please. This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia...

Katzenberg: Hi.

Angela: And his wife, Debbie.

Debbie: Hallo there.

Angela: And these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.

Fiona: Good evening.

Angela: This is Mr Death.

[There is a slightly awkward pause.]

Well do get Mr Death a drink, darling.

[The Grim Reaper looks a little startled.]

Angela: Mr Death is a reaper.

Grim Reaper: The Grim Reaper.

Angela: Hardly surprising in this weather, ha ha ha...

Katzenberg: So you still reap around here do you, Mr Death?

Grim Reaper: I am the Grim Reaper.

Geoffrey: [sotto voce] That's about all he says... [Loudly] There's
your drink, Mr Death.

Angela: Do sit down.

Debbie: We were just talking about some of the awful problems
facing the -

[The Grim Reaper knocks the glass off the table. Startled
silence.]

Angela: Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer.

Jeremy: The Stilton's awfully good.

Grim Reaper: I am not of this world.

[He walks into the middle of the table. There is a sharp
intake of breath all round.]

Geoffrey: Good Lord!

[The penny is beginning to drop.]

Grim Reaper: I am Death.

Debbie: [nervously] Well isn't that extraordinary? We were just
talking about death only five minutes ago.

Angela: [even more nervously] Yes we were. You know, whether death
is really... the end...

Debbie: As my husband, Howard here, feels... or whether there is...
and one so hates to use words like 'soul' or 'spirit'...

Jeremy: But what *other* words can one use...

Geoffrey: Exactly...

Grim Reaper: You do not understand.

Debbie: Ah no... obviously not...

Katzenberg: Let me tell you something, Mr Death...

Grim Reaper: You do not understand!

Katzenberg: Just one moment. I would like to express on behalf of
everyone here, what a really unique experience this is...

Jeremy: Hear hear.

Angela: Yes, we're *so* delighted that you dropped in, Mr Death...

Katzenberg: Can I finish please...

Debbie: Mr Death... is there an after-life?

Katzenberg: Dear, if you could just wait please a moment...

Angela: Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry?

Katzenberg: Angela, I'd like just to say at this time...

Grim Reaper: Be quiet!

Katzenberg: Can I just say this at this time, please...

Grim Reaper: Silence!!! I have come for you.

[Pause as this sinks in. Sidelong glance. A stifled
fart.]

Angela: ... You mean to...

Grim Reaper: ... Take you away. That is my purpose. I am Death.

Geoffrey: Well that's cast rather a gloom over the evening hasn't
it?

Katzenberg: I don't see it that way, Geoff. Let me tell you what I
think we're dealing with here, a potentially positive learning
experience...

Grim Reaper: Shut up! Shut up you American. You always talk, you
Americans, you talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you
something' and 'I just wanna say this', Well you're dead now,
so shut up.

Katzenberg: Dead?

Grim Reaper: Dead.

Angela: All of us??

Grim Reaper: All of you.

Geoffrey: Now look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break
glasses and then announce quite casually that we're all dead.
Well I would remind you that you are a guest in this house
and...

[The Grim Reaper pokes him in the eye.]

Grim Reaper: Be quiet! You Englishmen... You're all so fucking
pompous and none of you have got any balls.

Debbie: Can I ask you a question?

Grim Reaper: What?

Debbie: ... How can we all have died at the *same* time?

Grim Reaper: [pointing] The salmon mousse! [They all goggle.]

Geoffrey: [to Angela] Darling, you didn't use tinned salmon did
you?

Angela: [unbelievably embarrassed] I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed...

Grim Reaper: Now, the time has come. Follow... follow me...

[Geoffrey suddenly runs forward with a revolver. He
looses four shots at the Grim Reaper from about three
feet. They pass through him. Pause. Everyone is rather
embarrassed.]

Geoffrey: Sorry... Just... testing... Sorry... [He sits.]

Grim Reaper: Come! [Out of their bodies, spirit forms arise and
follow the Grim Reaper.]

Angela: The fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon and
he's normally *so* reliable...

Jeremy: Can we bring our glasses?

Fiona: Good idea.

Debbie: Hey I didn't even eat the mousse... [They follow the Grim
Reaper out of the house.]

Angela: Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed... I mean to serve
salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death...

Jeremy: Shall we take our cars?

Geoffrey: Why not?

[Slightly to the Grim Reaper's surprise, they follow him
up to heaven in a Porsche, a Jensen and a Volvo.]

Grim Reaper: Behold... Paradise!

[Heaven bears a striking resemblance to a Holiday Inn.]

Mr Hendy: I love it here, darling.

Mrs Hendy: Me too, Marvin.

Receptionist: Hello. Welcome to Heaven. Excuse me, could you just
sign here, please sir? Thank you. There's a table for you
through there in the restaurant. For the ladies...

Fiona: [reading the box of chocolates that has been handed to her]
'After Life Mints'.

Receptionist: Happy Christmas.

Debbie: Oh is it Christmas today?

Receptionist: Of course madam, it's Christmas, *every* day, in
Heaven.

Debbie: How about that?

[A restaurant in Heaven. It is full of all the characters
who have died in the film. Plus some of the naked girls,
because... well, we don't have to give a reason, do we?]

Tony Bennett: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it's truly a real
honourable experience to be here this evening a very wonderful
and emotional moment for all of us, and I'd like to sing a
song for all of you: [sings]

It's Christmas in Heaven: all the children sing

It's Christmas in Heaven
Hark hark those church bells ring'

It's Christmas in Heaven
The snow falls from the sky...

But it's nice and warm and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie

It's Christmas in Heaven
There's great films on TV...
'The Sound of Music' *twice* an hour
And 'Jaws' I, II, *and* III

There's gifts for all the family
There' toiletries and trains...

There's Sony Walkman Headphones sets
And the latest video games!

It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray
Every single day
Is Christmas Day!

It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray
Every single day
Is Christmas Day!'